swedish male model oscar spendrup
wrapping this photo around a kitchen knife and then stabbing myself to death with it
^
Freckled Fall/Winter 2012-2013 is now out!!
Thank you to everyone who has been so patient for the release of our newest issue! Freckled Fall/Winter is finally out and we hope all of our readers enjoy it!
Thank you to all the contributing artists that made this issue so amazing!
GO SEE THE NEW ISSUUUUUEEE!
I’ve noticed that the way I sound when I talk out loud and the way I talk through written words are very different.
I dunno just a thing I noticed.
Don’t Read This.
I’m not normally one for these posts but…
Ok let’s just turn this into a stream of consciousness sort of deal, I’m gonna see if jotting my thoughts down can help me sort them out.
Lately I’ve been hitting these weird pangs of confusion and self loathing…? Is that right? Maybe the word I’m looking for is inadequacy…when/where did this even begin? Is it because I’m going home soon? I’m worried about being home again? I guess that’s a part of it…
The whole being home again brings up the in the closet gay thing, and that’s become harder each year. Being away from home has let me figure out a lot about myself with being who I am and how I’m comfortable being me. But…this brings up another question of if I came out at home, would that make things better for me? Would that help me be happier or would it spring up a whole new wave of problems and I’d regret that decision? I mean, there’s already partial regret with me moving away from home anyway. I moved not because I got into a great school or was working towards a degree that I was passionate about, I used those as an excuse to get what I was really after. A chance to be away from it all, and to start over. I needed to be somewhere where there were no expectations for me to be me, so that I could just let myself waddle around until I got my bearings and could let myself stride and let me be me. That’s where the partial regret comes from. Maybe if I had spent these past few years not working on myself and instead working on my goals, I’d feel less shaky about what I can build upon myself. But on the contrary, if I hadn’t spent the time on myself, where would my confidence be? Or my self image or any of that? I’d still be too scared, timid, afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted and confused to admit who I was to anyone. Heavy Sigh…
No, it’s not the going home that’s making me feel like this. I mean, yeah there’s a little of that mixed in but it’s not where this is all coming from. The going home anxiety was a long ways coming so how could it make me feel this way only now? I feel pathetic.
Maybe it’s because I’m lonely? Not for the lack of friends, I will be the first to admit that I am blessed to be have met the people I have in my life and that I know that anyone of my closest friends will be there if i asked them to be, but are friends all I can have? My mom, dad and sister have never really been people I go to when I’m feeling overwhelmed or sad, and honestly I selfishly don’t even to go my best of friends when I know I could. I mean, yeah i tell them when I’m feeling down or in need of cheering up but when I break down, that’s something I reserve for myself. (Side note: besides being really young and crying infront of Maddy, Patrick or Pierce, I’m pretty sure Jenny’s the only one who’s witnessed me break down a bit. It was an accident but I’m glad she was there). I know we all hide a level of sadness because of different feelings and personal reasons, but for me, I don’t like to mention it because there’s a level of shame in it for me. (Well…let’s just ignore the whole over sharing to the internet on this “shame” note, ok?)
Is that what I’m feeling? Shame? What could I be shameful for? Well…I mean besides the already mentioned hiding myself at home, choosing to work on myself instead of my goals, and now the contradictory unwillingness to share my low points.
Wait…where was I going with this…oh right, loneliness.
Let’s just put it out there. I am in want of more than a friend. As stated above I know I’m blessed with who I have, but at the same time, who I have is kept at bay. There’s a depth of intimacy that I feel hasn’t been delved deep enough. I am selfishly in want of more. Something more than what I already have. How could I ask for more?
It’s not just that either. I’m frustrated that even though I’ve made progress with who I am, I don’t think it was enough to justify the time and money and effort it took to get me where I am now. If I could have produced more, refined myself more, defined myself more…These two thoughts of loneliness and frustration feel so disjointed, but the more I think about them, the more I feel like they go together?
Am I frustrated because I’m feeling alone? Am I lonely because my frustrations are preventing me from putting myself out there? Has my progress as a person not been enough to get me to a deep relationship? Or maybe even with my current relationships, I’m not a developed enough person that they can’t reach me yet, because I still need to grow in order to reach them? Am I even making sense anymore? Well, regardless…I’m alright saying that I wish I had someone.
Oh god this brings up a whole new wave of thoughts and feelings. This is circled around you. I have a feeling you’re giving me the cold shoulder or brushing me off, which is whatever, fine. But at the same time it’s not fine. This is when I wish I was one of those boys who dated in high school because at least I’d already have the experience in getting to know someone intimately or learning new things about someone and not being flustered or confused or any number of other insecurities.
Here’s the break down:
Do I text? But I texted last time. Maybe if I just asked how your day was? Maybe if I made a sarcastic joke it would make you laugh? It’s not like you’re unaware of my sarcasm. That was all I did for the 4 hours we were together! But we also don’t know each other well enough that you would just get the sarcasm. But that’s why I’m trying to talk to you! So that potentially we could get to know each other more and see where this could lead! But in order for that to lead anywhere we need to start to get to know each other! Do you even want this to lead anywhere? I don’t know because you are silent! But I can’t ask because that makes me seem crazy! I’m not crazy, I’m frustrated. This could lead nowhere and I’m honestly fine with that but the question that’s hanging in the air is what’s frustrating me. You said you felt guilty that you hadn’t replied enough/at all. I don’t know if that’s true or you felt obligated to say it. And if you did feel guilty why has the radio silence come back on? I made a joke, but maybe you didn’t take it as a joke? It was 6 days, and then I broke the silence. Now it’s 3 days and counting. I refuse to be the one constantly breaking the silence…Why don’t i know how to say things…
And that, my dear audience, is what happens to someone when they have little to no experience in social interaction with someone they like, or possibly like but nothing will come of it? Or any number of ifs ands and buts that could happen.Whatever. Bottom line is that I just don’t know how to do this properly and my confusion and inexperience is more of a hinderance than anything else. God why am I so bad at this. Here comes another wave of pathetic…
So is this what I’ve been feeling for the past little while?
Home. Panic. Come out? Regret? Frustrated. Did I make the right choice coming here? Should I have focused less on me and more on goals? Conflicted. Who would I be now if I didn’t work on me? Frustrated. Did I grow enough? Was it worth it? Disappointed. Pathetic. Lonely. Lucky to have who I have! Selfish for wanting more. Ashamed that I still keep people out. Ashamed and frustrated that I took a chance working on myself and to have only grown this much. Embarrassed that I tried. Frustrated and confused with what I did wrong or could have done better. Radio silence. Just answer the question! I never did ask it though… Complacent.
And that is hopefully a summary of why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. This helped a lot in helping me narrow stuff down. It was a good idea. Time to sleep.
it's godzilla!: I just had the terrifying realization that I actually don’t know how...
I just had the terrifying realization that I actually don’t know how to talk to someone new and I don’t have the ability to cultivate a relationship through text while still being myself and I don’t know what dynamic I want this relationship to go in even if it goes well and that this stifled,…
ohhh….this is odd…something on tumblr that accurately summarizes my feelings on a thing…uuuh…help…
“Why I’d Hate to be Asian”
New Alexandra Wallace? Thanks Samuel Hendrickson!
I…i just…I can’t…make it stop…
(via gunnarolla)
Sleepy and probs inhaled too many fumes BUT…
NOW HAVE BLONDE BANGS.
aaand tomorrow they’ll be bluuuuueee
